He was awake for 9 hours straight yesterday until he finally drifted off...
for 30 minutes.
Some days I can handle him being constantly fussy for hours on end
Some days I can console him while he battles hour long hiccups
Some days I can grit my teeth and bear to pump AGAIN (nursing is a whole different story)
Some days I can handle cleaning up spit up one thousand times
Some days I can handle bathing him one thousand times
Some days I can handle changing Cole's outfit one thousand times too.
But on the other days...
I fuss for hours on end too.
Last night I dedicated myself once again to helping Cole sleep. A nice, warm, lavender bath followed by a lavender lotion massage, clean, cozy jammies, swaddled neatly, fed a nice warm bottle, bedtime songs and bedtime prayers. He quietly slipped into a deep sleep...after only one 30 minute rest in over 12 hours.
15 minutes later, Cole was awake. 10:34 pm found me kneeling next to his crib with hot tears streaming down my face, pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me know what I was missing. Why couldn't I comfort my own baby? What was I doing wrong to prevent him from getting much needed rest? I confided in Him that I was hungry, and I was exhausted...I didn't feel like I even had the strength to hold my fussy, crying baby one more time.
As I knelt there in that dark room, I began to reflect on Cole's bedtime prayers we say every night together. Each night we pray for Cole's two little friends who are battling serious heart conditions...friends that Cole may not be able to meet for a long time. We pray for Logan and Garrett's mommy and daddy, and ask that Heavenly Father will send angels to comfort them...we ask that he bless Logan and Garrett to be comfortable as they try desperately to heal. We thank Him for our blessings that we are okay.
I thanked my Father in Heaven that Cole was able to get frustrated... that he could be fussy and cry...because those things are dangerous for little Garrett...his body isn't strong enough to handle those emotions, even though he feels them often.
I thanked my Heavenly Father that although Cole spits up, he can keep most all of his food down...because Logan couldn't. He still isn't gaining weight because his heart has to work so hard to keep his body functioning correctly.
So, I will continue to do my very best...even if it means that Cole ends up only wearing a diaper most days for quicker and easier spit up clean up...even if it means that although it drives me crazy, I can leave the dishes and vacuuming for another time so I can console my little boy now. Even if it means that some days, I cry myself through it.
"If nothing else, our children provide us the opportunity to learn patience. That may be love's most fundamental aspect of all."
I LOVE you, baby Cole. No matter how long or how difficult some days may be. You are my love, forever and ever.