Just let it go...let it all go.

Have you ever taken the time to be a kid again? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to practice the activities you were involved in as an adolescent? Have you ever thought about how much you miss it?
Well, I have.
I taught a ballet class tonight in the very studio that always brings back a flood of memories with every smell, every lightswitch, and every beat of music. As the last dancer walked out the door I began my normal nightly routine of closing up the studio...I flipped the lightswitches off, I picked up extra messes, and pulled my keys out to lock up. I stood at the doorway, looking back into that large open space, seeing images of me with my friends working up a sweat, learning, falling, and DANCING together.
Soon I found myself with a few lights back on... I slipped on my ballet shoes, and I DANCED. I know I may have looked ridiculous to anyone who may have seen me, but it didn't matter. During those few minutes I let myself go, I embraced the past. It felt so good to engage myself in something that I love...I still have so much passion over such a challenging sport.
I realized how good it is to just let go.
Just let it all go.
I did...
Now it's your turn!
much love, xoxo


A picture unloads a thousand emotions...at least for me.

As I try to reflect back on the eventful night of July 7, I find it nearly impossible to control my heartfelt emotions.
After many sleepless nights filled with haunting scenes - flashbacks of living a complete nightmare, I am still struggling to overcome what I witnessed almost 3 months ago. Although these pictures don't seem to capture the emptiness and loneliness I felt that night and even weeks after, they are a reminder to me of the pain, the suffering, the lack of confidence, and most importantly, my feelings of love for Shane, no matter what happened or could have happened to him.

The moment Shane was hit an eggplant-sized subdural hematoma grew above his left eye. Because of the impact on his brain and the bleeding that occurred, he had no control over his body, his emotions, his words, thoughts, his memory...

All eight members of the soccer team had to hold his body as still as they could, attempting to overpower Shane's sudden excessive adrenaline. The image I have burned in my brain of this moment is too difficult for me to recall. Fearing for his life, the paramedics quickly contacted life-flight. I watched as my husband, not knowing who I was or why I was there, had his jersey cut off, IVs attached to him, became immobilized to a board and swiftly was shoved into a helicopter.
As I met up with him an hour later at the hospital he looked just like this...lifeless. He'd lay with his eyes half open, not focused on anything...not moving a muscle, not even a twitch. After a minute of this, he would burst into frustration, attempting to pull off every cord and every monitor as we struggled to keep him calm and explain, again, what had happened to him. Then again...lifeless.
Completely terrified, lonely, and lost...this is how I felt that night in the hospital. By three in the morning all family members were asked to leave, and I was left in a cold, dark hospital room staring at the person I had given my life to...the seemingly lifeless person who couldn't remember who I was from one minute to the next. I cried, I waited, I prayed.
I wanted to kiss the sun as it awoke, and as it peaked over the east mountains Shane opened his eyes and said...
"KENZIE..." What a miracle.
Although it was still unknown what Shane's injuries would do to our lives, he was okay...WE were okay.
After leaving the hospital Shane was able to come home. He slept for about a week straight, and wasn't able to do anything on his own. This is how he looked most of the time! Some of the bleeding on his brain drained down into his eye making it look almost black.

How grateful we are, and how blessed we feel for Brian's blessing during the complete nightmare we lived the night of July 7th. We both know that it is because of that priesthood blessing that Shane is not only here today, but doing incredibly well!

Thank you for your love, your prayers and your faith.
Thank you for all those times that you took my hand or picked me up off my feet and walked with me along this journey...
I could never have done it without you.


Mat and Brooke said...
What a beautiful post Kenzie!
You will always be so glad that you wrote down that experience in such fine detail. Because soon, the details will slip from your memory and it will all become a blur.
Our family has such a love for you and Shane and we're SO grateful that you're such a big, wonderful part of our lives!
I love you!
Karla said...
Hello Sweetheart, this is Mom. What a beautiful, heartfelt post. How grateful all of us are for the two of you. I'm so sorry that you still struggle with images of that dreadful night and I pray that that part of this whole ordeal will one day be only a strength to you. I love you, Mom.

p.s. It's so nice to see some new posts. I love it...

Nina Serene said...
Your post made me cry a little. I just can't even imagine what that would be like. You are such an amazing person. I can't believe all that you handle in your life. You are such an amazing example to me. I just love you, and I am so glad that Shane is doing well!
Bryan and Allie said...
Kenz, I am so glad to hear that things are going better and Shane is safe. What a tragic accident. I cannot even imagine being in your shoes. We continue to pray for you guys. We love you both.

meleah said...
What a post. I am sure it took a lot out of you to put all of those feelings down. I am glad that you would share them. Being far away I feel like I miss out on being around. I think you are amazing in many many ways, going through this as strongly as you have is just one of them.
Love ya Kenz!!!
Just dandee said...
You express your emotions beautifully. I am so glad you wrote all this down. You will be glad you did. You are an amazing addition to our family, Kenz. Thank You for loving Shane so deeply. Thank You for caring for him. I am so grateful he is recovered. It really is a miracle. Love you both.
Luke&Megz said...
hey kenz! I found your blog through lauren's! Ok so your post my me cry...a lot. You are a beautiful writer and I'm so glad Shane is ok. You two are a wonderful couple and Heavenly Father knew that Shane needed to stick around so you two could be such a great example to other couples...to me. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever, but at least I got to see pics of you on your blog! lol. You're the greatest Kenz, thanks for being someone I can look up to and a friend I can depend on always helping me be better!