He was awake for 9 hours straight yesterday until he finally drifted off...
for 30 minutes.
Some days I can handle him being constantly fussy for hours on end
Some days I can console him while he battles hour long hiccups
Some days I can grit my teeth and bear to pump AGAIN (nursing is a whole different story)
Some days I can handle cleaning up spit up one thousand times
Some days I can handle bathing him one thousand times
Some days I can handle changing Cole's outfit one thousand times too.
But on the other days...
I fuss for hours on end too.
Last night I dedicated myself once again to helping Cole sleep. A nice, warm, lavender bath followed by a lavender lotion massage, clean, cozy jammies, swaddled neatly, fed a nice warm bottle, bedtime songs and bedtime prayers. He quietly slipped into a deep sleep...after only one 30 minute rest in over 12 hours.
15 minutes later, Cole was awake. 10:34 pm found me kneeling next to his crib with hot tears streaming down my face, pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me know what I was missing. Why couldn't I comfort my own baby? What was I doing wrong to prevent him from getting much needed rest? I confided in Him that I was hungry, and I was exhausted...I didn't feel like I even had the strength to hold my fussy, crying baby one more time.
As I knelt there in that dark room, I began to reflect on Cole's bedtime prayers we say every night together. Each night we pray for Cole's two little friends who are battling serious heart conditions...friends that Cole may not be able to meet for a long time. We pray for Logan and Garrett's mommy and daddy, and ask that Heavenly Father will send angels to comfort them...we ask that he bless Logan and Garrett to be comfortable as they try desperately to heal. We thank Him for our blessings that we are okay.
I thanked my Father in Heaven that Cole was able to get frustrated... that he could be fussy and cry...because those things are dangerous for little Garrett...his body isn't strong enough to handle those emotions, even though he feels them often.
I thanked my Heavenly Father that although Cole spits up, he can keep most all of his food down...because Logan couldn't. He still isn't gaining weight because his heart has to work so hard to keep his body functioning correctly.
So, I will continue to do my very best...even if it means that Cole ends up only wearing a diaper most days for quicker and easier spit up clean up...even if it means that although it drives me crazy, I can leave the dishes and vacuuming for another time so I can console my little boy now. Even if it means that some days, I cry myself through it.
"If nothing else, our children provide us the opportunity to learn patience. That may be love's most fundamental aspect of all."
-dad
I LOVE you, baby Cole. No matter how long or how difficult some days may be. You are my love, forever and ever.
xoxo
20 comments:
I had 2 cholic babies, a husband who was working 2 jobs and going to school full time. I hated nights because everything seems worst at night. I have to remind myself that this is what I begged Heavenly Father for. I know you probably want to punch me in the face when I say to try and enjoy this stage (I know I wanted to punch people in the face) They grow way too fast and now I'm finding myself shopping for their second birthday. I told Jordan how sad it made me. You can do it. There will be many more days where you feel like you can't do it, you can't handle it and you want to cry. You can! Motherhood is the hardest thing I've done. I've learned so much from it already. Makes me appreciate my own mom so much more. Keep it up and if you need someone to hold fussy Cole so you can get some sleep or get out of the house I will totally do it!
Kenzie, you have such a clear perspective on what is important in life right now, thank you! I love you for the wonderful mother you are, and momma, "you're doing ok"!
I'm sorry Cole is fussy. So is my newest little babe. It is so hard! Have you ever heard of Dr. Karp/Happiest baby on the block? We use the CD with Katelyn-sometimes it's the only thing that will calm her down. It's basically just white noise, but really it helps her sleep! (Or even just not cry) I don't love the noise, but it's better than hearing a sweet baby cry... It might be worth a try?
Dear Kenzie, You are amazing and beautiful and have a beautiful family. Keep up the good work. Who said Moms weren't aloud to cry? Sometimes a good cry is the only thing that makes you feel better for a minute. I look up to you and the relationship you have with your heavenly father. This post made me Cry thinking about those Sweet Heart Babies. We all have different stregths and different challenges. But as a mom, we are here for each other. you have a good support group of other moms that just get it. don't hesitate to ask for help :) We've been there.
Keep smiling!
-Les-
What a beautiful post. You're amazing Kenzie. You'll make it through because your tuff and determined. Love you!
- remember this is but a small moment. It doesn't make it easier, it just gives you hope that it's not forever.
Jessica is awesome! Wanting to punch people in the face is just another part of motherhood. Don't ever feel bad if you have the urge, only feel bad if you act on it. :) I wish I could say I know what you're going through, I can't. But I can say it won't last forever, nothing ever does. Take comfort in knowing that you're doing your best and that is more than enough. I too would LOVE to rescue you and hold that cute man any time.
You are doing such a great job! Newborns are hard, and it's hard when you don't know what to do or how to help them but being a mommy and loving that boy as much as you do is exactly what he needs. Everything has a way of working out, his sleeping issues will become good routines, his little tummy will become strong enough to keep his food down all the while growing and developing as God sees fit. You are loved and supported by MANY! If you need ANYTHING, I'm here to help!
I'm not a mother to know what you're going through or what to say to comfort you, but what I do know is that I adore you and your ability to look at things from Heavenly Father's perspective. I really do look up to you because you have the best attitude and can find a way to see the positive in every situation. Cole is so adorable, and he is so lucky to have you!
Sometimes it's just nice to know you're not going through it alone. I feel the same way. Holden is the fussiest baby and I have no idea what to do either. It's true though, I reflect on the little ones health and it makes me feel a lot better. Hang in there, it will get better.
Kenzie, I am so proud of you. You are doing a great things. Being a mom is HARD...no matter who you are or what stage in your motherhood you're at. The Lord is pushing each of us to our limit all of the time. It helps us be stronger, more understanding and less judgmental, and much more patient and loving to have these experiences! You keep doing the amazing job that you're doing every day (and night), and the Lord will continue to bless you with the capacity to do so. You have just what that baby Cole needs. :) I love you.
Never feel guilty admitting that being a Mom can be HARD! It's the hardest but most fulfilling and rewarding job. Also, a baby in just a diaper is great, clothes are over-rated anyway:) The best advice I can give you is that IT IS OK to put your crying baby down in his crib for a few minutes while you go down the basement and escape the brain pinching sound for a few minutes. I agree that being a Mom teaches us the lesson of patience over and over. Patience is one of my greatest weaknesses and I struggle with it almost every day (multiple times a day). Good thing Heavenly Father gives me so many opportunities to practice being patient:)
Our fourth baby had lots of stomach issues and it made a big difference when I totally went off dairy for the rest of the time I was nursing which was more than a year. Someone told me to try it and I tried for a few days and it didn't seem to make a difference and I went back on dairy but then I heard you had to try it for two weeks and that did make such a difference that I didn't drink milk, eat ice cream or cheese or anything like that the rest of the time. I was able to have dairy while nursing with the first three and the last one, just not with him.
Good luck and Cole is darling.
Rochelle
Kenzie, I have never met you but I teach savanna harp and love your who,e family! You are an awesome mom who is doing everything you can. I remember my first baby and for some reason week 6-8 were sooooo hard. With every baby I have had it has been the same. Jut hold on and give it a week or two and you will see a difference. And I agree with the other reader. He won't be hurt if you put him down and take a bath to unwind. Even if he is crying he will be ok! :) good luck! Your doing an amazing job!
Kenzie babe, you got this. You are doing everything exactly right. If you are loving him, you aren't doing a thing wrong. It is so hard to be a Mom, so hard. It is completely trial and error what works for ten people, won't work for you or maybe it will. You are doing right by that sweet boy and that is ALL that matters. (Archie babe had cohllic really bad, I had to rock him from 3p to 6p every day for the first three months of his life. Enfamil AR helped when I supplemented it with my milk. I also got him on Acid Reflux medication and flavored it grape at the pharmacy. Gas drops are also a LIFE SAVER.) Not saying what worked for me will work for you but just know you are a freaking rockstar. Every single mother is. LOVE YOU! Keep loving on your babe.
Your little Cole is so lucky to have you! You are amazing at everything you do! The first months with our Carson seemed never ending in good ways and so many hard ways. I truly believe that with our first we earn the blessed name of mother.
Have you read healthy sleep habits happy child? It is really helpful. I wish I would have known about it earlier. Now my baby is five months and still doesn't sleep more than 40 mins at a time. But that book is helping make it longer. Do you swaddle Cole tight? Put on white noise? One tip that helped me was holding him upright tummy to tummy while swaddled so his head was kind of beneath my collar bone and shushing loud in his ear while bouncing. I heard their ears aren't as developed so you can shush pretty loud, but if it startled them it is too loud.
Kenzie, I meant to text you earlier today my sis in law nikki told me that she read your blog and Cole soinded just like two of her kids. They ended up having acid reflux. Once she got them on meds, they were like different babies! Wouldnt hurt to try it. My other sil went off dairy for her last baby bc she was so fussy, and it was night and day. It's all trial and error. Just keep trying new things, asking new questions, stay in touch with the doc.poor lil guy could be in pain. Then again...it could just be a stage. :) you rock, Kenzie. Truly, you're amazing.
Kenz I'm so sorry he's been so fussy for you. A crying baby that won't sleep will take any mom to their limit. I could give you a list of things to try, but the Lord knows exactly what sweet Cole needs and I know he'll answer your prayers to know what to do. Luke's mom has told me over and over that Luke screamed all day/night and spit up everything for the first 9 months of his life, but has been a perfect angel ever since. So let's hope there's a similar trade-off in this for you! Please call me when you need a break! We both know I need a baby to hold, and you could use a nap...really it's a win-win situation all around! Seriously. 3am I'm there.
I don't know how I stumbled on your blog but something that could help is the book 'Baby Wise'. It's all about getting your baby on a feeding which helps get your baby on a sleeping schedule. As many have said, what works for some may not work for others. But 'Baby Wise' has worked great for us with our little baby. Our baby sleeps through the night and I think it's all cause of 'Baby Wise'. Also, great job praying and keeping prayer as part of your parenting. The Lord knows all things and He is watching over you and your baby. Good luck with everything :)
lavender oil is great but in excess it can keep you awake. there are some Essential Oils that I can recommend that help with sleeping if you are interested. Always just a short way away. being a mommy is hard. You're perspective is amazing and you are doing your best. That is all we can do. Don't ever give up.
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